For the one who holds ransom a greater part of my heart. The one who kills me softly with their words, unknowingly, because to them, sadness is a faraway emotion. For the one who has gone out of their way to try and make me happy, though I have failed them almost always, because to me, happiness is a faraway illusion.
For the one who constantly makes me laugh, because my voice, to them, is most beautiful when I laugh, even though it falls back to the pit of my stomach and makes me die.
For the one who has called me theirs, despite the insecurities I wear as badges of honour. Despite the fears I have about my life and my future. Despite the holes I poke at my own stories.
Because you have made life worth living for the time I have been here, I hope you find the strength to forgive me even in my death. For letting you down. For suffocating your dreams. For letting it all go to waste. For dragging you through the mess that I am. For puncturing the beautiful canvas of your soul with my continuous nagging. For being absent even when your presence filled me. For ridding you all of your emotions, in the wicked name of being strong for me.
I am sorry. I gave up. My healing took too long to manifest. My heart and soul grew weaker by the day. I lost strength with each new sunrise. The skeletons in my closet grew flesh and threatened to break out. The voices in my head grew wings and flew out of the windows of my soul. The ashes of my burnt insides began to choke me. Even if I stayed, I wouldn’t last more than a week.
You loved me at my weakest, probably the reason I still have some strength left in me after bleeding for hours. I have searched, within the blood I am lying in, a reason to live and failed to get any. Well, apart from your tiny footsteps engraved on the darkest parts of my heart. Apart from the sound of your voice telling me to hold on for just one more time. Apart from the rage boiling hard inside me, threatening to burn the remaining parts of my will.
The past twenty four hours have been hell on me. I have tried but failed to find meaning in the surge of emotions that have engulfed me. My soul has been bleeding, and all the words of hope I whisper to myself have failed to calm my racing heart. I have been in pain. I have been drunk in trauma. I have been beating myself, for things way beyond my jurisdiction. I have been finding fault in my choices and decisions. I have been looking at myself through the pieces of an old and broken mirror. I have failed to see the light.
I know you will be tempted to feel you are the reason behind this. But I am a person constantly hanging at the edge of a window ledge emotionally, and a slight push, even by the wind, is enough to make me fall over. This is me taking all the blame. This is me acknowledging that it is not always rosy. There are snaky roads winding uphill. Sometimes, you get lost. Sometimes you get found. Other times, you keep going till eternity.
Thank you for being part of my last years on earth. For finding stars within my faults. For sticking with me even when I pushed you away. For lighting the darkest chambers of my heart with your charm. For being unapologetically you. And holding me down whenever necessary. Thank you for being the reason behind my ideas. For being the reason I look forward to new days.
I have tried. I have failed. But most importantly, I have accepted that it is okay to give up when the pain is too much. It is okay, for me, to fail to find favour in people’s eyes because they do not know me. Or do not know the battles I am secretly fighting. Or do not know where my journey ends.
It is okay to end things when they take too much of your energy, happiness and peace.
It pains me that for all this time, I have not been able to talk, even to you, about the very things that drive me insane. I guess some things are meant to remain with us to our death.
So, this is me saying I love you. I would choose you over everyone else without second thoughts. I would run to you if I saw you anywhere, no matter the environment. I chose you in my life. So I choose you again in my death.
If one day my lifeless body is found lying somewhere, wrists slit, tongue bitten off, skull crashed, brain sticking out of my head, limbs crushed, treat this as my suicide letter. This is the end of the road.
Yours in love,