It has been long since I was last here. Long since I had something worth writing here; that people would dash to read, and leave satisfied. In addition, it has been long since I last did anything that brings satisfaction to my heart; like meditation. Fantasy. Day travels. Conversations with my day ones. Alternatively, just a book that makes me rethink about my life, and what I am doing with my limited time here.
It is easy to just say I have not been here because well, “I was busy with my book, and going up and down making sure it gets out there”. However, that would be a lie. A fat one. Because it has been one of the smoothest rides I have ever been to.
So no. I will not lie. I have not been here because lately, I have been overwhelmed. With things; existent and non-existent. With places; visited and non-visited. With ideas; doable and undo-able. With people; others’ and mine.
I have been here and there, thinking about myself and what I really want, for me and for those close to me.
Do I do to them what I would love done to me? Do I offer a helping hand without necessarily being asked to? Do I lean in for the same kind of help whenever in need? Do I go where I am wanted? As opposed to where I am tolerated? Do I listen to myself more often? Do I stop in my tracks to tell myself I am actually doing well? Do I listen with an intent to understand? As opposed to an intent to reply? Do I see others through the lens I would want to be seen?
A couple of days ago, I was at a relatively dark place with my anger and emotions. I was disappointed. Then sad. Then angry. I was smiling on the surface, but all my insides wanted was to cry my heart out.
So my person looked at me and said, “I know what that expression on your face means. Just cry. Cry all you want. It is okay to cry. The world is not always a safe space, and things get hard sometimes. Just cry.”
I cried. Not the loud cries that make everyone wonder who has passed away. No. The sniffy ones that make your nose stuffy and leave your throat dry. The ones that linger on for quite some time, even after all the emotions have subsided.
Nevertheless, it was not the crying that made an impact on me that day. It was the realization, afterwards, that in my time of anger, I tend to project it on people around me; people who have no connection to the source of my anger. I tend to look for a place, or a person, or a thing to blame my anger on. As a result, I hurt people.
“How would you feel if the same was done to you?”
I could not answer because well, they did not tell us that when you come face to face with one of your toxic traits, it crushes you to the bone. It makes you weaker than you ever thought you would. In addition, the fact that there is very little you could do to change makes it even harder to comprehend.
So yeah, I am not perfect. I have been in a ‘hole’ somewhere trying to find meaning in the things that I do. In the pieces that I write. In the clients who I meet, do their work and they fail to pay. I have been trying to find peace in the midst of the chaos all around me. Trying to find silence in the middle of all the voices in my head.
Sometimes, my ray of hope comes from the things my friends say to me about my book.
Like when Sharon Gwada says “The worst thing about knowing the author, is having a hard time differentiating between fiction and real-life story.”
Or when Hussein constantly asks, “Where do you find the courage to write so bravely about yourself?”
Or when I wake up and Edna has flooded my WhatsApp with one of the greatest reviews no one else has ever done about my book.
Sometimes, I am torn between admitting the percentage of ‘me’ in my book, and leaving it out for the readers to judge.
However, most times, I live for the simplest of words. Like when Kasaine says, “You can do so much more when you let go of your scars, battles and fears.”
I am not where I want to be. I am not even halfway to doing what I like, or seeing people I love, or going to places I wish for. But slowly, I am learning to find my happiness in the little ways that work for me; books, laughter, cuddles, tickles, friendships, and writing.
I am getting there. I hope you do too. Soon.