Hello February! My month already started on a high note, big reason I am super excited and it has nothing to do with this being a Friday.
So, a close friend of mine passed this challenge onto me, and I cannot really tell how I feel, but I know these are going to be thirty interesting days of my life. I don’t know about you, but I believe being honest with myself is all this blog is about; the ability to lay things bare with myself. Because if I don’t believe in my truth, then there is no essence of having you here.
So, let us take this trip full of unapologetic honesty, laughter, cries, humility, carelessness and all there is that awaits me. That awaits us.
Day 1: Weird Things I Do When I Am Alone
Lurk in the Dark
Unless I am reading, I mostly engulf myself in darkness. I switch off all possible sources of light, including the wall socket because I don’t want to see the red lights on my extension. Weird, right? I recently moved into a new house, where the security lights furiously shine into my house, stripping me off my most treasured possession; darkness. So, on most occasions when everyone else is asleep, I silently creep outside and switch it off.
A friend of mine recently told me I am on the extreme. But I just cannot help it.
There is a certain level of peace I only seem to attain with darkness. The fact that I cannot see what lies around me gives me the ability to concentrate my thoughts on myself. It is in darkness where I draw the courage to face new truths about me and the people around myself. It is in the same darkness that I realise when the day ends, my decisions and choices lie squarely on MY shoulders. It is in darkness that I speak from the bottom of my heart; about what I love, what I wish for and what I am afraid of.
It is also in darkness that I manage to speak out the most delicate of words; I love you too; I am scared; I cannot do this anymore; I made a wrong decision; I hate you; My dreams scare me; I am introverted; I am going through a difficult phase; I am not as strong as you think I am.
It is in darkness that I think about the people who matter most to me. My mother with her endless calls asking whether I am in a sweater. Oh God mum, I am in Mombasa!! Or that other time when she calls to feed me with all the gossip that has been going around in my absence, or when she tells me she is waiting for me to build her a mansion. Don’t I love this woman! Sending love and blessings your way mama.
Sometimes, in the darkness, I think about my relationship with my father, and how it keeps dwindling with each sunrise. I think about the promises both of us have made to each other over the years, but failed to keep them. I think about what the aftermath of it all has done to me; like never having a conversation with people who are proud of their fathers. I think about all the books he bought me and the pride in his eyes any time he talks about me. I think about the time he thought he was going to die, and I was the only one he texted, saying his supposedly last words. Long life pa’.
But most importantly, I think about the friends that have impacted so much on my life, or the ones who have stayed from way back since primary school. I think about Nyanza, her infectious charm and laughter; her impromptu calls asking me to turn up, and her relentless love for books and wine. I think about Grace; her selflessness and the manner in which she looks up to me like I am her mother. She says I inspire her, and I like it that way.
So, if you want to get me to that ‘high’ you want, give me darkness.
Read my Old Writings
Be it an old diary or a piece I wrote sometime back, I am always asking myself ‘Who the hell wrote such crap?’. And most times, I cannot believe the amount of growth I have achieved .
Drown in Fantasy
This might be the big reason why I am introverted. But a girl as little as me, needs some quiet time to live her dreams in her own head.
I fantasize about the tours I want to go to, the dresses I want to wear and the pairs of shoes I want to own. I fantasize about the books I want to write and smile while I send the autographed copies to the willing buyers. I have been on the Oprah show a couple of times the thrill has even evaded me. I fantasize about the refugee camp I so much want to volunteer to, and the little kids I want to cultivate the reading culture in.
As weird as it sounds, I fantasize about my wedding day and I shed tears at the mere thought of it. I have walked down the aisle a couple of times I don’t think I will need help on that day.
I cannot think of any other weird things I do, so that’s it for today. See you tomorrow.