Heart to Heart
I am probably starting this on the wrong foot, but I have been staring at a blinking cursor for close to two hours now, the words perfectly aligned in my brain but for one reason or another, the brain and my fingers’ long-distance relationship has been hanging on a ledge for quite some time now.
Initially, I wanted to write this on the last day of last year, or the day before. But just like all the other wants engraved in my chest, they only seem to remain wants as I come up with perfect excuses. I wanted to write it on 31st, then I told myself you probably would be too tired to read a long piece of text full of emotions, rants, wishes and some things only close to illusion.
On new year’s day, I wanted to write you a letter as beautiful as the human you are, but still, I convinced myself you would be too indulged to even realise I had written something; that maybe it won’t sound as beautiful to you; that maybe you would scroll past it looking for something to catch your eye, and finally fall asleep without finding anything. Or better still, you would brush it off as ‘a female in love overwhelmed by emotions, who would probably be over it in the morning’.
It has been three days down the line, and four days since we last saw each other, and I am pretty sure I am not a female overwhelmed with emotions. I am sure what I feel won’t go away in a blink of an eye.
Because I understand men, and you in particular, need to be told and shown that they are loved. They are as human as women, probably with a softer heart and skin, but only masked with masculinity and all the ‘Male-fabric’ that society has designed for them. They too, have a soft and vulnerable spot that needs to be watered from time to time, needs to be fed, to be held close. Their ears need to be whispered to, their goatees caressed and their heads massaged. They are human who, from time to time, feel the need to belong, to be validated. To be celebrated.
So here I am, stuck with my keyboard, pouring out my emotions as raw as they are because I need peace within myself.
I do not remember the exact first encounter I had with you, but I remember having small talk at a corner in a small dingy room, dust sprawling all over, metals and bulb holders loosely hanging over our helmet-covered heads. You, with your confidence that still holds up to date, snatched my phone out of my hands, got so comfortable with it, sent a friend request to yourself then returned it to me.
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
Then you laughed. the kind of laughter that sends you sprawling out of your chair, tilts your head back and leaves you clutching on your chest. That laughter that is so contagious sometimes I think I will go insane just thinking about it. You laughed so hard I became uncomfortable. You loosely touched my hands, and just like that, you stopped laughing. I couldn’t be more surprised.
“So that I will tell people you are the one who approached me,” you said.
I laughed. We laughed, and I think that was all the breakthrough and honesty and freedom and laughter I had wanted all along because the rest, as they say, is history.
Yesterday, I was talking to a great friend of mine and at some point, the conversation drifted towards you.
“How is your boyfriend?” They asked.
I laughed. Or rather, I chuckled.
I chuckled because that was an open-ended question, I could answer in so many ways and still feel there was something I had not said. I could not describe how you were in a single word, or in a single sentence. That would leave a million more words still lingering in my heart, untouched.
So, I told them, “He is still there.”
So, I am writing this because I want to start this year full of hope, positivity, focus, acceptance, goodwill, energy and love. I am taking up the lessons I learn from you incognito; like championing on the positives instead of magnifying the negatives; taking time off to be with myself and do what makes me happy; having different perspectives about a situation; waking up early; building healthy friendships; holding dear the people who love me; being there for others; laughing out loud; loving.
I am learning to take each day at a time, reaching out whenever I cannot do anything and giving a helping hand wherever possible.
You have taught me how to speak for myself, how to voice out my concerns, and I am still processing the relief I am getting from that. You have taught me the levels of strength I possess; the kind of charm I embed in my skin and the level of intellect I assume.
You have shown me depths of happiness you think I deserve and given me so much power I almost lost control. You have trusted me in ways I didn’t think I could manage. You have pushed me over the boundaries I had set for myself. You have taken me up with all my ugly bits; like sleeping too much, sulking for no reason, unusual swings in moods, difficulty in mingling with others.
You have crafted a beauty out of me, something I didn’t even know existed.
But most importantly, you have loved me beyond words, even on days I didn’t feel worth of your love. You have loved me on days I made wrong choices that landed me in deep trouble, and on days the best choices brought joy right at my doorstep.
You have looked me straight in to the eyes and told me I am beautiful. You have tucked me in bed on days I was too tired to do so on my own. You have taken my cold feet into your palms and warmed them. You have served me breakfast in bed with a genuine smile.
And every time I asked why you did that, your answer was always the same.
“You are my girl. You are mine.”
I don’t even know whether I have written this in the right way, but then again, being with you has taught me that I don’t have to always be right; that there’s beauty in failing at a first attempt because we get a chance to have a good laugh about it.
As the year starts, it is a new chance for me to take fresh books from your closet when you are not home, and wait for that ‘I didn’t even know I had that book’ when you get back. It is a new chance for me to come home to a sink full of one-week old dirty dishes, look at my beautiful nails then go to bed and sleep 😂.
It is another chance for you to laugh at all my embarrassing moments that never seem to end, and a chance for us to build each other in all the best ways possible.
Let’s do this again, shall we?