Letting Go

Letting Go

December 29th: What do you want?

I do not flinch. I want to let go of 2018.

2018 has been that year when everything seemed to come to me as a surprise, and they came with so much force, knocked me off my feet and I almost passed out trying to regain my composure. It has been that year I have struggled to make choices and decisions, struggled to split myself into two so I could be at two different places at the same time. It has been that year I have sat and watched my life unfold before my eyes like it was someone else’s life.

At the beginning of the year, I was so excited because I was finally clearing school and would do the things I have ever wanted to do outside classroom; like travelling the world, going to the beaches early in the morning, zip-lining, bonfires in the middle of the night, and maybe pull on that bikini move.

I dwelt so much in all these fantasies that before I knew it, it was already April and I was stuck in a shit hole place with no fresh water, cellular communications, no friends. There was no life at all. Just me, my job and the tiny insecure room I called my safe heaven.

When someone asks me how my 2018 was, I still feel there is a huge blank of about four months over which I cannot explain what was going on in my life, simply because of the shit hole I would not like to talk about (In case you want the real deal, you could read [No One Told Me][1] ).

I was not reading, not writing, not laughing, not talking to people, not visiting anyone. I was simply living each day as it came by; hopeless. I was trying my luck at starting out on my career and when everything else was falling apart, I did nothing but remain silent.

“You must let the pain visit. You must allow it teach you. You must not allow it overstay.”

I don’t know how I feel about the blank period. But one thing I know, I am never again making my decisions based on whatever people will think of me. Never again will I put aside my passion and focus on something that draws all the will out of my soul. Never again am I telling people I am okay when I am not. And most importantly, never again am I subjecting myself to deliberate torture because I think I am a strong woman.

I am learning to be patient with my healing, and never to close my mouth when my scars scream. I am learning to be patient with my healing, and never to carry fire when all I want to do is feast on water and silence.”

2018 has been that year I have travelled so much I almost turned myself into a travel writer. One night I was here, the next night I was 500 kilometres away, and had such a hard time explaining to people where I was. I never worried about the money, because in one way or another, travel money was always there.

I have been to book launches that redefined my life and others that killed all the little energy I usually have in store. I have read books that identified so much with me I almost thought the authors were small bits of me. I have read books, paused in the middle to cry, then garnered strength to finish them. I have read people’s stories and gave them invincible hugs. I have seen bits of myself in between pages of books I read, and have promised myself that when I finally publish my own book, I hope it touches someone out there.

A couple of months back, I started a series labelled Scars __on my blog and after three episodes, I took a break. I still have dozens of people’s scars I am yet to publish just because every time I begin to type, I cry myself out. I am praying for grace next year, so I can publish the scars and give someone, even if just one person, a flicker of hope.

There are so many things I would like to say about 2018, but I would leave them out for next time when I have enough grace.

So, two days left of 2018, all I want is to let go of all the things that happened.

I am letting go of all the wrong choices I made. I don’t regret them; I am picking lessons from them. I am letting go of all the people I let down in one way or another, all the plans I cancelled the last minute with no sufficient reason. I am letting go of everyone that misunderstood or misjudged me; all the people who pointed accusing fingers at me. I am letting go of all the hurt imposed on me and the one I imposed on others. I am still a woman finding her course through life, and mistakes are bound to be part of me.

I am letting go of all the friends who promised to stay in touch but didn’t. Those that grew tired of always being the first to text. Those who I pushed away as a result of my pride. Those I let go of because of their toxic masculinity. Yes. I am letting go of all those who call at midnight and expect me to be awake. In short, I am letting go of all the entitlement I have tolerated this year.

As I let go, I am holding on to the moments of happiness that crossed my paths this year. I am holding on to the sixty-three books I read this year! You read that right. Sixty-three books. I am holding on to the people close to me; those who clap every time I win. And of course yes, I am holding on to you who is reading this. You are amazing!

See you in 2019!

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Meet Eunniah Mbabazi
Eunniah Mbabazi is an Electrical and Electronic Engineer with a deep passion for books and literature. She has authored Breaking Down (a collection of short stories), If My Bones Could Speak (a poetry collection), The Unbirthed Souls (a collection of short stories), and My Heart Sings, Sometimes (a poetry collection). She has also co-authored Kas Kazi (a novel) and When a Stranger Called (an anthology of short stories).

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