December 29th: What do you want?
I do not flinch. I want to let go of 2018.
2018 has been that year when everything seemed to come to me as a surprise, and they came with so much force, knocked me off my feet and I almost passed out trying to regain my composure. It has been that year I have struggled to make choices and decisions, struggled to split myself into two so I could be at two different places at the same time. It has been that year I have sat and watched my life unfold before my eyes like it was someone else’s life.
At the beginning of the year, I was so excited because I was finally clearing school and would do the things I have ever wanted to do outside classroom; like travelling the world, going to the beaches early in the morning, zip-lining, bonfires in the middle of the night, and maybe pull on that bikini move.
I dwelt so much in all these fantasies that before I knew it, it was already April and I was stuck in a shit hole place with no fresh water, cellular communications, no friends. There was no life at all. Just me, my job and the tiny insecure room I called my safe heaven.
When someone asks me how my 2018 was, I still feel there is a huge blank of about four months over which I cannot explain what was going on in my life, simply because of the shit hole I would not like to talk about (In case you want the real deal, you could read [No One Told Me] ).
I was not reading, not writing, not laughing, not talking to people, not visiting anyone. I was simply living each day as it came by; hopeless. I was trying my luck at starting out on my career and when everything else was falling apart, I did nothing but remain silent.
“You must let the pain visit. You must allow it teach you. You must not allow it overstay.”
I don’t know how I feel about the blank period. But one thing I know, I am never again making my decisions based on whatever people will think of me. Never again will I put aside my passion and focus on something that draws all the will out of my soul. Never again am I telling people I am okay when I am not. And most importantly, never again am I subjecting myself to deliberate torture because I think I am a strong woman.
“I am learning to be patient with my healing, and never to close my mouth when my scars scream. I am learning to be patient with my healing, and never to carry fire when all I want to do is feast on water and silence.”
2018 has been that year I have travelled so much I almost turned myself into a travel writer. One night I was here, the next night I was 500 kilometres away, and had such a hard time explaining to people where I was. I never worried about the money, because in one way or another, travel money was always there.
I have been to book launches that redefined my life and others that killed all the little energy I usually have in store. I have read books that identified so much with me I almost thought the authors were small bits of me. I have read books, paused in the middle to cry, then garnered strength to finish them. I have read people’s stories and gave them invincible hugs. I have seen bits of myself in between pages of books I read, and have promised myself that when I finally publish my own book, I hope it touches someone out there.
A couple of months back, I started a series labelled Scars __on my blog and after three episodes, I took a break. I still have dozens of people’s scars I am yet to publish just because every time I begin to type, I cry myself out. I am praying for grace next year, so I can publish the scars and give someone, even if just one person, a flicker of hope.
There are so many things I would like to say about 2018, but I would leave them out for next time when I have enough grace.
So, two days left of 2018, all I want is to let go of all the things that happened.
I am letting go of all the wrong choices I made. I don’t regret them; I am picking lessons from them. I am letting go of all the people I let down in one way or another, all the plans I cancelled the last minute with no sufficient reason. I am letting go of everyone that misunderstood or misjudged me; all the people who pointed accusing fingers at me. I am letting go of all the hurt imposed on me and the one I imposed on others. I am still a woman finding her course through life, and mistakes are bound to be part of me.
I am letting go of all the friends who promised to stay in touch but didn’t. Those that grew tired of always being the first to text. Those who I pushed away as a result of my pride. Those I let go of because of their toxic masculinity. Yes. I am letting go of all those who call at midnight and expect me to be awake. In short, I am letting go of all the entitlement I have tolerated this year.
As I let go, I am holding on to the moments of happiness that crossed my paths this year. I am holding on to the sixty-three books I read this year! You read that right. Sixty-three books. I am holding on to the people close to me; those who clap every time I win. And of course yes, I am holding on to you who is reading this. You are amazing!
See you in 2019!